Today marks a year since we said hello and goodbye. Although this time has passed, I want you to know there is not a day that goes by that we don't think of you and wish you were here to love and hold and kiss and play with. It seems like just yesterday we were preparing for you to come.
The month in which you were conceived was a busy one. Daddy was traveling to Colorado a lot for work and I was trying to take advantage of the last of the nice fall days to work out in the yard. Brinn would "help" me in the yard and eventually always ended up naked - a trick I'm sure she would have been happy to teach each of you. Oh, boy!
Daddy loves Halloween, so we spent a lot of time decorating the front yard with the scariest items we could find and hooked up the spooky music so we could scare your cousin Nicholas when he came over.
Mommy and Daddy hosted Supper Club in the middle of that month. We had an appointment with Dr. Tjaden for the following week, but we knew we were pregnant because I had taken seven home tests. Yes, seven! All positive....we were definitely pregnant. We were so excited. The nurse thought I was crazy for taking so many tests but I didn't care. It was just so nice to see that positive sign that you were on your way.
In November Mommy and Daddy found out that we would be blessed beyond our wildest imaginations; our baby was now our BABIES! I read all that I could about multiples and started eating as much as I could to help you grow. We also found out that Daddy's job was in danger. This was both an exciting and confusing time for us. We talked about how our lives would change bringing home more than one baby; how our lives would be blissfully chaotic, how we wouldn't know if we were coming or going, how there could be worse things in life than having this many babies to love. We knew our family would be complete.
December proved to be another difficult month. Angel, your tiny body stopped developing at 11 weeks. Mommy and Daddy were heartbroken that you did not get to continue your journey growing with your brothers and sister. Little one, you have taught your parents more about life than anyone will ever know. No life, no matter how small, should be taken for granted. We still long for you and hold a special place in our hearts for you.
Daddy's company offered him either a position in Missouri or a severance package. Although we did not want to move away from our family and friends, especially now, we knew we must in order to give you the health care you needed. Since there was three of you, most likely you would be coming early and would need special attention.
For the rest of the month we focused on the positives. The three of you were thriving and growing as you should. Daddy had a job and would be able to provide for all of us. We enjoyed Christmas with our families and were thankful for all we had. Everyone was getting excited for your arrival. Holly and Amanda offered to throw a baby shower for you and started putting together invitations. I never got to see them, but I bet they were adorable. Oh what a party that would have been! Aunt Dawn was already trying to figure out how to decorate your room, and Poppy was wondering where he was going to put all the tree swings. He said he was running out of trees in the back yard! Brinn would rub my belly and give you kisses everyday. She couldn't wait to be your big sister.
Christmas Eve we went to church and then to Aunt Kristin and Uncle Joe's house. I'm happy we got some good tummy pictures that night.....something I wish I had more of! Christmas Day we went to Mimi and Poppy's. Brinn got twin dolls and a twin stroller to help her practice until you arrived. We all talked about how fun next Christmas would be.
Shortly after midnight that night I woke up to something that wasn't quite "right". Although I didn't know what had happened, Owen your water broke. It was way too early for this to happen. I went to the doctor, who did not confirm anything wrong had occurred. I tried to deny it, but in my heart I knew it wasn't good. We moved the following weekend.
After we arrived in Missouri, it was confirmed that your water broke and you had no amniotic fluid left and there was nothing we could do. I wanted so badly to be able to protect you, all of you. The doctors said that we should expect to loose you shortly. But I felt I had to hold on to hope that you all would be OK somehow. And so we prayed and waited. Everyone did what they could to ensure your safe arrival. Mimi and Poppy moved in with us. They played with Brinn and made sure I ate....a lot! All your Aunts came down to help out and offer their support. We read stories of other babies like you. Family, friends and even strangers prayed for you, sent care packages, and kept you close to their hearts. God could not have been more gracious in giving us the support we needed. You were already loved.
For five weeks after your water broke, you hung on. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you Owen. You are so strong. You gave your best and that is all we could have asked for. But in the end, God had other plans for you.
Andrew and Hope, I can only imagine! I think you two are little buddies. Hope, the day we went to the emergency room, as we were watching you on the sonogram, you were kicking Andrew in the head. I can only assume that this is what it would have always been like....my two little rascals.
The day you arrived was the most difficult by far. I knew that morning that it would be our only day together so I tried to be strong and be your Mommy for the short time I was given. I am thankful for the individual time we were given with each of you. I held you and just stared at your tiny, perfect bodies. I could see Brinn in you. We had you baptized. I kissed your soft foreheads and told you Mommy and Daddy and Brinn love you. You were so incredibly peaceful.
Aunt Dawn was amazing. She cleaned you up and dressed you and held you. She weighed you and measured you and made sure we had pictures of you. She told us how beautiful she thought you were. She cried as if you were her own children. I am so happy that someone who loves you was able to do that for you. We will always be grateful to her for that gift.
Dr. Stamps was wonderful. He made sure he was there for each of your arrival. He is a faithful man and gave your birth the dignity it deserved. I am so thankful. Your lead nurse was great. She was seven months pregnant and so this particular day was difficult for her. She helped find clothes for you and found stuffed animals for you - Owen a frog, and Andrew a fish - because she knew your Daddy enjoyed fishing and the outdoors. That was so thoughtful of her. She cried for you too.
Aunt Sam and Aunt Kris also came and held you. This gesture still gives me such peace.
This past year following your birthday has been challenging. We didn't know what to do without you. God was gracious enough to give Daddy the strength to function for all of us at times, especially the first few months. We just wanted you with us for the lifetime we anticipated. And then we remembered that someday that WILL happen.
In the mean time, did you know YOU have been teaching US? You have taught us to be thankful for the time we got to spend with you instead of being resentful for the time without you. I cherish the times I saw you on the sonograms, felt you kick each other in my tummy, and the time I got to count all your little fingers and toes. You have taught me to covet my relationship with God....to talk to Him more, to rely on Him more, to let Him into my life more. I am so thankful to you for this gift, my little ones. You have inspired me to get involved with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep so I can help comfort other Mommys and Daddys who lose their babies. You have also inspired Aunt Carla to start being a "cuddler" in the NICU. She will be holding babies who have a long stay in the hospital with no visitors. I am so proud of her and I'm sure you are too.
You are still so terribly missed. So many wonderful people told me they were thinking and praying for us today. You are loved and will never be forgotten.
This day last year was the worst day in our lives. However, we must remember that this was your most glorious one! This is the day that you met our Father, the One who created you, the One who chose us to be your parents, and the One who gave you everlasting life. We trust and know God is providing everything you need. Although we wish you were here, we know you are in the perfect place and can't wait to see you again.Love and Kisses,
Mommy
+3+weeks.jpg)
